I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
