What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
