I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
