Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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