I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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