duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
