the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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