sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
