Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
