dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
