goodnight i made you a song goodbye
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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