when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
