'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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