she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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