My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
