Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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