if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
