Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
