So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
