Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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