Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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