Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
