I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
