i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
