this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
