Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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