Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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