How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
