Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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