Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
