Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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