Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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