Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
