girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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