I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
