During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
