he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
