Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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