and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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