your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
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