apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
