is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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