She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
