My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
