Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
