Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
