Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
