I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
