I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
