i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
