We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
